Well that was anticlimactic...

Yesterday started out to be a day of good intentions that all ended up swirling into a spiraling pool of death.
Okay, I'm over exaggerating.
As you know, I was planning on preaching. Well, Saturday night my sister shows up with her husband, daughter and son. Surprise!
That wasn't going to stop me. My brothers could entertain them! But, come Sunday morning, Mom announces that we're all going to help her friend move. Which robs me of my secret service agent (my brother) that was going with me to make sure no one threw me in the lake. Plus I stayed home and babysat.
This was a disappointing day because I was super excited to preach.
And then...

I was talking to one of my friends, well, we're sort of friends, we barely talk. And I think that is part of the reason why the following commenced. "Friend" was complaining about lack of friends and I was trying to cheer Friend up by saying Friend could come and visit. But Friend didn't like that idea so I gave up. In a very Andreaesque way. Friend got mad at told me I'm controlling, I make Friend sad and I ruin everything. Let me just save you time and tell you right now that the words "ruin everything" have literally been going through my head the past 26 hours or so...well I suppose they didn't when I was sleeping, so I had a brief respite.

How could said Friend say such a rotten thing?? Friend tried calling back but I was so upset I didn't answer my phone. (Shamefully, I even hung up once.. <_<).

So from there on I've been going through some really tough battles. Battling thoughts that I'm not good enough, that I ruin everything (I even looked up the definitions of ruin and everything.. they aren't promising), battling bitterness and unforgiveness. Today was worse. I was battling temptation to just give up on everything. I know it sounds like I'm overreacting a little, but if you understood the relationshipwreck between said Friend and I, I think you'd understand why I was so affected by what Friend said.
Besides the fact that Satan loves taking terrible things like this and exploding them into afore mentioned pool of death and add the fact that I have had a splitting headache since Saturday, perhaps you can understand why I was so affected.

Either way. Being so affected was stupid. And I hate it, I hate that I even let myself get to sad about it. I hate that find it hard to forgive but, mostly, I hate that I let my Heavenly Father down.
I was dusting me mom's office and I was asking, "how? How do you forgive when Friend has said so many things, done so many things, to hurt me in the past? I've forgiven him so many times and I know that you're supposed to forgive 7 times 70. But HOW, God?"
And immediately the answer came to me.

God forgives me every time I mess up and repent for it.

He never withholds His forgiveness. He doesn't hold a grudge. As far as the East is from the West, so far has He removed our transgressions from us (thanks, Mom, for making us kids memorize Psalm 103). This thought occurs to me whenever I'm faced with having to forgive someone. And it's amazing how I seem to forget it when I'm in the midst of needing to forgive. When you sin you are hurting God far worse than Friend hurt me. Fortunately, God was ready to forgive me of my stupidity. So now I'm ready to forgive Friend. Silly me. How could I have been blinded so badly?

Remember this, friends, that forgiveness doesn't come easy. You may still feel upset against the forgivee. But forgiveness isn't a feeling, it is a choice. You need to make the choice to forgive and act on that, ignore the anger or bitterness. Because the wrath of man worketh not the righteouness of God (James 1). So that was my preaching day.

I started out thinking I was going to bring the gospel to some people, and in the end I was tested. Sure, I felt like I failed the test miserably. But then, I realized, I only fail when I give up. I only fail when I let Satan win. Sure he had won a few tricks, I have stumbled and fallen. But I continue to get up. I will continue to fight.

Satan will never win with me.